New year, new books

Most of us had to get back to work this week, and that includes writers! I’m at the creative stage, ideas flowing, crazy ones or a bit more sensible, I’m making a huge amount of notes, then just as likely, crossing them out the next day, only to come back a day after that and think, ‘Yes, actually, I like that idea, it could work really well.’

I’m not much of a planner but I’m doing my level best. I’ve been looking ahead, and trying to plan a work schedule.

I’m intending to spend the next five weeks drafting my new Dottie book – hopefully that will be out in December. That will be book 9 of the series, and I’m calling it The Rough Rude Sea. Dottie and William return by steamship from their honeymoon. Obviously it’s not going to be smooth sailing. (sorry about the pun).

Then, mid-February, it will be all change, and I’ll be in editing mode as I tidy up and polish Through Dancing Poppies, the third book in the Miss Gascoigne mysteries series. Miss Gascoigne.

Then…

…at some point I’ve got to crowbar in rewrites and polishing etc of Dirty Work, book 1 in the new trilogy Families Can Be Murder. This is a spin-off of my original trilogy Friendship Can be Murder, book 1 Criss Cross was first published in 2012. This time it’s Matt, not Cressida, writing the diary entries and confessing all.

Apparently I’m also going on holiday… I think I might need it!

***

 

‘So, where do you get your ideas?’

I know I’ve written on this topic a couple of times before, but it’s one of those questions that never goes away.

‘Where do you get your ideas?’

This is one of the first questions people usually ask me – and I’m pretty sure it happens to other writers all the time. It kind of makes me want to groan, because it’s next to impossible to give a sincere and considered answer to this question without boring the pants off everyone by talking for an hour. The short, somewhat trite answer might be, ‘Everywhere!’

But if we really want to answer the question, it takes a minute or two longer. Because really there’s no single answer. Ideas don’t come from one unique, unvarying source. Nor do they come in the same way each time. Anything from the world seen or unseen can come to my attention and lead me to think, ‘Hmm, that’s interesting…’

Inspiration, which is what ideas really are, comes from everywhere and nowhere. A snatch of song, a news story, a little patch of colour on a card in the paint section of the DIY store, the turn of a person’s head making you think just for one split second it’s someone else, someone from another time, someone who should be dead. An unexpected view of yourself in a shop window, that odd moment before you recognise yourself, that brief second when you think, slightly puzzled, ‘I know you.’

An overheard snatch of conversation, ‘Don’t lose my hat, man, my hat’s my identity,’ and ‘Of course she never did find out who’d sent it.’ A film, a book, a taste, a smell, a memory, a story your mother told you – you’ve known her all your life yet this is the first time she’s ever mentioned this particular incident.

I have based two full-length stories on dreams, three short stories and one novel on songs, a poem on a piece of art, a novel based on a documentary I saw on TV about ancient tapestries, (Opus Anglicanum: Latin for English work), and another about the Reformation. I’ve written a short story about an arrowhead, and another about ancestral bones and the relevance they might have to a Neolithic man, about a couple of  trips to Skara Brae in the Orkneys.

I’ve written a whole series of stories about the fact that all too often people think it’s okay to take the law into their own hands. (I’m looking at you Cressida, MC of the Friendship Can Be Murder trilogy!) I’ve written about work situations, about hopes and plans for the future, about family tree research, about children, and pets, and parents. About love. About the absence of love. About Faith. About fear. About books I read as a child. And books I read as an adult. I’ve written about identity and what it means to be who I am, who you are. I’ve written about death – loads.

I saw a gorgeous man on the bus many years ago and wrote a story about him, (The Ice King – still not ‘available’, but if you’re intrigued, here’s a link to a short bit about him.) I’ve read news reports and been inspired to create my own story around some of those. I’ve written in hospital having just given birth, in hospital awaiting treatment for cancer, at work during my lunchbreak when I felt so depressed I just wanted to run away and hide. I’ve written when sitting on the loo, sitting in the garden, on holiday, in bed with flu, and in cafes all over Britain, Europe and Australia. I’ve written on buses and trains and planes. I’ve written when someone I cared about has died. I’ve even got inspiration from sitting down at my desk every day and just making myself write. Sometimes I’ve written page upon page of ‘I don’t know what to write’, like lines that we had to do at school, and still nothing has come to me and I’ve gone away desperate, feeling that the well has not only dried up, but was only a mirage to begin with.

If you are a writer, you squirrel away in the eccentric filing cabinet known as your brain EVERY single thing that you ever experience, and a bit like doing a jigsaw puzzle or creating a patchwork quilt, you keep trying pieces together every which way until something fits and makes a pleasing and meaningful picture. There’s not really a pattern to it, there’s not a system or a set of regulations to follow. You just do it.

That’s where I get my ideas.

***

Six Legs Too Many: a story for children

A few centuries ago, I tried my hand at writing stories for children. This was one of the results.  It was only when we moved to Australia and I realised that not all spiders were user-friendly, that I saw that I couldn’t publish a book about kids and spiders, where a spider might (not necessarily deliberately) kill someone. So this is the first time this story has seen the light of day!

(note: if you live somewhere with dodgy/power-hungry poisonous spiders, please give them a wide berth!)

(also… this is copyrighted material)

SIX LEGS TOO MANY

Jack and his family lived in a big old house. None of them liked the house very much. The roof leaked, and the plumbing made loud clanking noises whenever anyone flushed the toilet or turned on a tap. Worse than that, at night when Jack lay under the bedcovers, the whole house seemed to creak and groan. It was scary.

There was something else Jack and his family hated about the old house. It was full of spiders.

In the kitchen there was a spider that lived on the lampshade. Sometimes in the evening it dangled down and when the light was on, there were shadows of huge dancing legs—eight of them—on the walls.

There was another spider living under the fridge. Jack was always scared it would rush out and bite his toes when he was getting out the milk for his breakfast cereal.

One spider often ran across the worktop and hid behind the kettle. And there was a really huge one hiding behind the cereal packets in the cupboard that Jack could only reach by standing on a chair.

Every single room in the house was the same. It seemed as though spiders lurked in every corner.

No one in the family liked spiders. But they all had different reasons for disliking them.

Mum hated their bright shiny eyes.

Dad hated the messy webs they left all over the place.

Jack’s big sister Emily hated the way they scurried along really quickly.

Jack’s big brother Brad didn’t like that their legs were hairy.

And there was something about their legs that Jack hated too. It was the quantity. They had eight legs, and as far as Jack was concerned, that was six legs too many!

Now Jack would never hurt a spider. He wasn’t one of those mean people who pulled spiders’ legs off, or who whacked them with a newspaper to kill them or flushed them down the toilet or slurped them up with the vacuum cleaner. He hated to be mean to anything or anyone.

But he still didn’t like spiders one little bit.

There was one that lived in the corner of his bedroom, up by the ceiling, above the wardrobe. But this was not the spider that was to blame for what happened next.

There was another one that lived under the china cabinet by the front door in the hall. But this was not the spider that was to blame for what happened next.

There was another one that lived in the cupboard under the stairs, and whenever anyone needed a broom, or a rag, or an old newspaper, or a new bag for the vacuum cleaner, there it was, watching them with its little shiny eyes from the top of the fuse cupboard.

But even this one was not the spider that was to blame for what happened next.

One Sunday evening, Emily was having a bath. The next day was Monday and a school day, so the children were all getting ready for bed earlier than on a Friday or Saturday night.

Emily was splashing about, having a great time blowing piles of bubbles off her hand and wondering if Mum would let her friends Kali and Kylie come for tea. Suddenly, as she was about to take a huge breath to swoosh another heap of bubbles off her hand, she realised the bubbles weren’t very white and bubbly. They were rather brown and leggy and …spidery.

Emily screamed! She scrambled out of the bath and pulled on her pyjamas and bathrobe even though she was still wet and bubbly. Then she charged out of the bathroom still screaming as loud as she could. She bumped into the rest of her family on the landing outside the bathroom. They had all rushed to see what was going on.

It took Mum half an hour to calm everyone down and get Emily dried off and into a dry pair of pyjamas. It took Dad ten minutes to search the bathroom for a ‘gigantic’ spider as big as Emily’s head. He was armed with a broom, but he couldn’t find a spider of any shape or size.

It took Mum and Dad another ten seconds to decide it was time to move to a new house.

It took a long time, but eventually the great day came when Jack and his family moved into their brand new house.

The house had only just been built. The walls were clean and freshly painted. The carpets were soft and absolutely spotless. The windows were double-glazed and so were the front and back doors. Nothing small with far too many legs could get in through any tiny gap or crevice because there were no gaps or crevices.

When Jack and his family stepped inside the house the day they moved in, it felt as though they were the first people ever to go inside.

Jack ran off excitedly to investigate his new bedroom.

There was a wide windowsill. It was clean and white. Nothing walked along any of the gleaming surfaces. Nothing dangled from the curtains or curtain rails. As he looked about him, he saw that there were no little hairy bodies hanging from the ceiling in the room’s corners. Nothing trotted about on the lampshade. The whole room was completely uninhabited.

All that was left to be examined was the big built-in cupboard in the corner.

Jack tiptoed up to the door. He put out his hand and bit by bit he stretched his fingers closer to the handle. Closer. Closer. Eventually he felt his fingertips touch the cool metal of the handle. Carefully he opened the door. Wider. Wider. Until it was wide, wide open. Jack peeked in and could immediately see that hiding inside the cupboard was…

…Nothing!

Jack’s mouth opened in surprise. The cupboard was empty! Never in his whole life had Jack seen a completely empty cupboard!

He ran downstairs to tell everyone, but they were already talking just as excitedly about their own empty cupboards.

Soon they had moved in their furniture. Soon the books and toys, CDs and DVDs, kitchen utensils and all their clothes were unpacked and put into their new places, and in a very short time, the family got used to being in the New House.

But sometimes Jack thought about the old house. And sometimes he would look behind the cereal packets and feel surprised that there was nothing scurrying about behind there. And sometimes he would hear people talking about spiders and he would think, we used to have lots of those at our old house. But not at the New House.

One day Jack was telling his friend that there wasn’t a single spider in the whole house. They almost had an argument because his friend said every house had at least one spider. Jack said, no, not this house. They got very cross with one another.

‘Prove it!’ Jack’s friend said,

‘All right,’ said Jack. ‘Let’s go on a spider hunt!’

They borrowed a torch from Jack’s dad. They searched the whole house from top to bottom. It took them the whole morning. All they found was a lost sock.

So Jack’s friend had to agree that there was not a single spider to be found in the whole place. He said it was probably the only house in the whole world with no spiders at all inside.

After his friend had gone home, Jack sat looking out of his bedroom window. The sky was cloudy and grey. The trees in the garden were bare. A few old leaves blew about on the ground, and it was too cold for flowers. Soon it would be Christmas.

Jack felt sad. He didn’t know why. He and his friend weren’t cross with each other anymore, and Jack would see him the next day at school. So that wasn’t why he was sad.

Outside he could see the wide door of the garage. Next to it was a big bush. The leaves trembled a little in the chilly breeze. Something tiny caught Jack’s eye.

He ran downstairs. He put on an old jacket and his trainers, squashing his feet into them without undoing the laces. He ran to the back door, opening it and looking out. It was cold out there. It wouldn’t be very nice to be out there without a warm jacket.

He jumped down the step and walked over to the garage door. It took him one minute to find what he was looking for. Then he saw it.

He ran back inside and went into the kitchen to get a big plastic jug from the cupboard. Luckily Mum and Dad were busy in the sitting-room, or they would have asked lots of questions.

Jack went back outside with the jug. He looked up at the twig sticking out by the garage door. He stood on tiptoes, holding the jug up high with one hand and with the other he shook the twig a few times.

He brought the jug back down and held it in front of him. He looked inside.

Sure enough there was a small body in there, lying on the plastic floor of the jug, not moving. Jack watched it anxiously for a few minutes, afraid the spider might be dead. He wondered if he should get Mum or Dad to take it to the vet. Perhaps it had frozen to death.

But then one of the legs twitched slightly and began to move, then another one began to move too.

Checking that no one was around, Jack went back into the house, carefully carrying the jug.

He carried the jug upstairs then stood on the landing wondering where would be the best place to put a rather cold spider. He didn’t really want it in his bedroom, and he didn’t think the bathroom was a good idea, just in case it popped up in the bubbles again.

In the end, Jack decided to tip the spider out onto the landing windowsill. He thought that because there was a plant and there were curtains, there would be lots of places for a spider to hide, and it was much, much warmer than living outside in the wintertime.

Jack didn’t tell anyone about the spider: spiders were not a favourite topic of conversation for his family. Every so often he would look for it by the landing window. Sometimes he saw it, and sometimes he didn’t.

When he didn’t see it, he worried a little bit about where it might turn up. But nothing bad ever happened, so that meant everything was all right. And somehow Jack liked knowing that the New House had another creature living in it.

But one day, Jack was going past the bathroom and he noticed something rather strange.

His dad was leaning over the side of the bath and he appeared to be talking to himself.

Jack wondered what was going on and went over to stand next to Dad and look into the bath.

What Jack saw made him gasp.

He looked at Dad with huge anxious eyes. Dad looked just as worried.

It was a spider. It was trying to climb up the steep sides of the bath.

Dad didn’t seem cross, so Jack watched the spider. Dad watched it too.

‘It’s quite clever really,’ said Dad.

‘The sides are so slippery. How does it do that?’ Jack asked. ‘If we were that small, I bet we wouldn’t be able to climb an inch up the side.’

They watched as the spider kept climbing up the side of the bath but just as it got near the top it would slide back down to the bottom and have to start all over again.

‘Can it get out?’ Jack asked.

‘I don’t know,’ said Dad.

‘I’m worried,’ said Jack. ‘What if it can’t get out and it starves to death?’

‘Or it might drown if someone doesn’t see it and fills the bath up,’ said Dad, looking even more worried.

‘Or boil if the water is too hot!’ Now Jack was really anxious. Dad patted him on the shoulder. Then he picked up the sponge and holding it carefully beneath the spider, managed to get it onto the sponge.

Jack and Dad looked closely at the spider. It was quite a nice shade of browny-grey, and even if it did have far too many legs, and hairy ones at that, it was strangely beautiful.

As Dad and Jack sat on the bathroom floor looking at their rescued spider, the rest of the family suddenly appeared in the doorway.

Oh no, thought Jack, there’ll be a big fuss now. And there was, though not the kind he’d expected.

Mum said, ‘So that’s where Chloe got to!’

They all looked at her in surprise.

‘That’s not Chloe, that’s my Taylor!’ said Emily. But Brad laughed.

‘No way! That’s my Ronaldo. I’d know those hairy legs anywhere!’

Dad held up his free hand. ‘That, my friends, is not Chloe, Taylor or Ronaldo. That’s definitely my Black Widow.’

A little voice spoke from behind Dad.

‘You’re all wrong, that’s my Sully. And I should know, I brought him indoors!’ Jack announced.

They all looked at each other and then began to laugh. Then they all watched as Dad set the spider on the floor behind the bathroom door where it could look for insects or have a nap to recover from its ordeal.

So now, none of Jack’s family hates spiders. And one by one, spiders began to appear in the New House in all sorts of places.

And now they never put spiders outside, especially if it’s cold. Or wet. Or foggy. Or too hot. Or cloudy. Or if it’s a day ending in Y.

***

 

 

 

In the Neolithic Village

If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you will have seen this one before… I do quite often repeat myself. Mainly because I know anyone who has already seen it will either have forgotten it by now, or will be happy to gloss over it once more, but there will be many people who (hopefully) won’t have seen it yet.

Recently I’ve been digging out photos and other pictures for posting on Pinterest – it’s one of my favourite platforms, as I’m a very visual person, I am inspired by what I see. And during this digging out process I found some more photos I took years ago when we went to Skara Brae, in Orkney, an island group off the north coast of Scotland.

Seeing those houses had been a goal of mine since I watched that iconic Simon Schama documentary A History of Britain, and I had to see it for myself. It’s not often something inspires me to that extent, but that really did. And because I a) love people and b) love history, I wanted to see a place where those two things met. And where so gloriously stunning as the neolithic village Skara Brae, unearthed during a violent storm in 1850, it was last inhabited four thousand years before that. This glorious place set my imagination on fire, and I concocted this short story…

The corridors linking the houses are dark, black-dark, and yet the children run back and forth giggling and jostling as children have always done. They barely pause in their running as the corridors narrow or curve. They laugh in and out of the houses, running amongst the groups, tribes, families. Outside, beyond the house, the sea and the wind roar, and strange creatures prowl the earth. But not in here.

In the houses themselves, the central hearth is the main light and although bright enough to prepare the food by, the illumination doesn’t reach to the farthest parts of the room where the animals are safely housed against thick stone walls. But their soft noises and comfortable smells lull the elders who sit by the fire and prod the embers or stir the cooking-pot by turns.

Soon the eye becomes accustomed to the dimness and it is possible to see not just vague shapes but the shapes of the bodies of the cattle in their pens, or the shapes of the drawings in the sand of the fireside floor, the simple outlines that accompany the story that is being told. A half-grown child, listening to the stories with wide eyes is given instructions and items of interest, are brought from the dresser to the one who speaks, who holds each thing up for all to see and recounts all that is known, the history of the item, the way it happened to be found or created, all that makes it special is told now to those who are gathered. They’ve heard it before. Even last night but still they all look and a discussion takes place, even the child speaks. He will be a fine man one day soon. They look on him with pride. One day, he will be the teller of stories.

The food is passed round, grain and meat and fish and coarse bread, flat and hot from the stones by the fire. Everyone eats and there is a strange hush over those in the house for a time. There is a ritual about eating. There is a ritual about being in the safety of a warm and solid home with the cattle and the fire. This is what it means to be at home.

It is evening, the day draws to a close and everyone is gathered in the safe warmth of the roundhouse, and nearby, there are other houses, with other people gathered, and the children are the running link between them. More stories are told, more conversation and discussion over the nature of the stars and their brightness, of the tides of the sea, of the path of the moon who guides the hunters and blesses the crops.

And over the way, along the dark tunnel then out into the air, in another similar house, the ancestors listen and smile as the brightness of the moon creeps in.

*

VERY short fiction

I’m not much good at writing poetry, but a short story – or a really short story – I do like to have a stab at.

Very short fiction, usually a maximum of 500 words, is called Flash Fiction or Micro Fiction. And there are groups online who write 6-word fiction, 25-word fiction. To me those aren’t really stories so much as quips and captions. But I recently discovered 100-word stories and that gave me something to really think about. A 100-word story is called a Drabble – but most of my stories are a little under 100 words., so I’m not sure they qualify!

It’s tempting to link them together – but would that be several stories of 100 words, or would it be one story in installments? It feels like that might be cheating.

But here are a few I tried out.

 

But that one seemed to naturally lead on to this:

Um, Neil you’re such a baddie!

So maybe I’ll try something different, though it’s tempting to see how the above (2) story(ies) could pan out.

My stories do seem to tend in a certain direction – I always seem to turn to crime in one form or another.

And lastly…

Actually I cheated there, as I didn’t invent this, I just observed it when I was in a cafe and gave it my own little embellishments.

Hope they made you smile.

***

 

 

 

The Postcard: a short story

Here’s a short story I wrote a LONG time ago…

‘Have you finished that contract yet?’

My manager’s voice cut into my little lonely bubble and made me jump half out of my skin. He glowered a bit, angry with me for being startled, but he was somewhat mollified when I told him I only had two more pages to go out of the original thirty-two.

‘By lunchtime, yeah?’ he reminded me as he moved away to pester someone else.

I can’t stand it here. I’ve been here a month, but it feels like a life-sentence. A weekend is just not enough parole time after the working week that precedes it.

I stared at the postcard my predecessor left pinned to the hessian wall of the cubicle. It shows a ramshackle cottage on a beach, an empty beach, with palm trees and golden sand that seems to stretch on for miles, lapped by blue, blue water. And nothing else. No one else.

The cottage wasn’t really a cottage, it was more like a shed or a hut. The roof looks like it would blow away in a hurricane. And this looks like the kind of place where they actually have hurricanes, somewhere hot, tropical. And the walls don’t exactly look sound. There are cracks between the boards—I can imagine all kinds of creepy crawlies getting in through those. There’s only one small window, partially boarded over. There’s a wonky railing around what appears to be a microscopic veranda.

But all the same… it calls to me. Wish you were here? Oh yes, I most certainly do.

With each passing day I’ve looked at it more and more. My eyes are drawn to it.

On Monday, after a tense weekend of knowing what awaits me once Sunday is over, I return to my cell, turn on my computer, and take my first look of the week at the card.

Then work begins: a constant stream of emails, calls, online meetings, in-person meetings, assessments, reassessments, and always those annoying little, ‘I wonder if you could just pop this on your to-do list’ or, ‘Sorry Jan/Lynne/Suzie from accounts/Jeff/Steve haven’t quite been able to get to this, so if you could just help a chap out and…’

I get my head down and get on with things. Lunch breaks are a myth in this place, as is their reputed work-life balance. Most of the time, I hardly look up from my desk until half an hour after I should have gone home. There’s always more still to do, and I usually find I’ve two or three hours after Jan, Lynne or Suzie and the rest of them. That’s Monday madness.

Tuesday is not a lot better, though I quite often get a lunch break and I usually leave more or less on time, maybe an hour at most of overtime. I glance at the picture several times on a Tuesday.

Wednesday is easier—the lull before the end-of-the-week storm. Usually I catch up with my workload from the week before, which keeps me busy—so much so that I often forget all about the little hut.

Thursday things start to get crazy again—contracts to complete, information to chase, people to call, emails, meetings, and yet more calls followed by more meetings. It’s manic but still only a dress rehearsal for Frantic Friday. It’s a bit like grocery shopping the last weekend before Christmas—total chaos with everyone grabbing haphazardly at things just in case they never get any food again.

Friday. So close to the weekend but such a horror to live through week after week. That’s when I seek refuge the most often, gazing at the picture, really drinking in that impossibly blue sky, reflected in the improbably blue water, the wide expanse of deserted beach. As if by the sheer force of my concentration I could transport myself there. I can almost hear the soft sound of the water washing up onto the shore.

Our office is huge. And we are all tucked away in our little cells—our cubicles which accommodate our desk, chairs, computer, phone and trays upon trays of paperwork. I remember once years ago people used to say that using computer systems would make most administration processes redundant, and that there would be a huge reduction in paperwork. The strange, alluring legend of the paperless office. There are eighty-six of us on this floor. Eighty-six computers all warming the heavy recycled air with their hot little components. Eighty-six chairs on rollers that don’t quite roll. Eighty-six miserable people kept in little squares like veal calves or stray dogs waiting to be adopted, euthanised or housed temporarily until either retirement or death claims us—either one is good at the moment.

They play the radio over the PA system—to ‘keep up morale’. The problem is, there is only one radio, and eighty-six tastes in music. I find it so stressful to listen to boy bands and rock chicks and divas all day long. It’s mentally exhausting. But it’s not as bad as Talk Radio. That’s the worst. People ringing in to talk about the tragedies in their life, breaking your heart as you reply to the fourteenth email about the same—still unresolved—issue.

Then there’s the constant toing and froing of the workers—like being perpetually on some crowded stairs—figures bustling back and forth, not friends, not visitors, just milling about, clattering by in noisy heels on the wood-effect flooring. Dropping stuff right behind you. Laughing loudly or sobbing quietly into their coffee.

I bet none of that happens on that little beach. I bet it’s quiet all the time. If I sat on that little veranda, I bet all I would hear, if I closed my eyes would be the soft rustling of the palm trees, the sound of the occasional bird overhead, the sound of the waves and my own calm breath, moving in and out and washing away my tension.

I bet no one ever yells out ‘What the hell has happened to the accounting software updates?’ Or, ‘Does anyone know how to unjam printer seven?’

I bet if people ever came to that hut they would bring a small gift—some fruit, perhaps or maybe some flowers. And I’d make tea, and we could sit on that veranda and look at the water. We could talk if we wanted to, but I wouldn’t mind if we didn’t.

‘What happened to that blue folder marked ‘urgent’?’ my manager barks in my ear suddenly, and I accidentally type half a dozen letter Ys on the screen as I jerk round to look at him. He glares at me again. ‘Daydreaming again? For God’s sake, keep you mind on your work. Then maybe folders wouldn’t keep disappearing.’

He’s gone again and I’m fighting back tears. It seems so unfair that I’m here in this place when there are places like the one on the postcard on the wall. I know people say we all have bad days, you’ll feel better tomorrow. But this dread, this slow, cold death has been going on for decades. What if it’s not how I feel in a passing moment of self-pity but it’s the length and breadth of my whole existence?

This is all I’ve ever known. All I’m likely to know until I retire. It’s no good telling me that when I retire I can do all the things I’ve dreamed of, like travelling. Why do I have to wait until my life is almost over to begin enjoying it? I don’t just need a holiday, I need a whole change of life.

I’m hardly thinking. I reach out and grab the postcard off the wall. Do I dare? Am I crazy? I lean down under the desk to pull out my bag. Before I even know what I’m going to do, I’ve thrust the postcard inside and put my bag under my arm. I turn and look around me. I see nothing here that is mine. I get up. I walk away down the aisle to the lift, hardly daring to breathe.

At the lift door, I wait impatiently. When it arrives and the door opens, I feel a sense of excitement, of doing something terribly naughty yet wonderful. I step inside before anyone tries to stop me. As the doors close, I realise no one has even noticed me leave, and as the lift doors close, I wonder how long it will be before they realise I’ve gone.

No one even sees me walk out of the big double front doors. No one. I’m nothing to them. As I hurry down the hill towards the railway station, so aware of the precious cargo in my bag, I feel a slight pang of guilt.

Perhaps I should have left the postcard to brighten the day of the next poor sap that occupies my cubicle.

*

Job vacancy: armchair sleuth required (readvertised)

 

We at LaughingAtLife.org (not a real company!) have a new part-time vacancy for the role of armchair sleuth.

About this role:

You must be ready, willing and able to deliver timely advice to all suspects and potential victims. (But not too timely. Whilst we agree that forewarned is forearmed, if you’re too good at your job, you may find the number of victims drops alarmingly and you are left with no one to investigate/suspect which will lead to everyone at LaughingAtLife.org moving into the genre of romance. Or maybe Fantasy. No one at LaughingAtLife.org wants that to happen.)

You should be highly experienced in delivering comments such as ‘I knew that was going to happen’ or ‘You could write this (insert offensive vocabulary here) stuff yourself!’

If you have fancied taking part in shows such as Gogglebox, this job could be for you!

Essential qualifications:

Eagle-eyed attention to detail.

Nerves of steel.

Ability to pick locks with a hair pin or safety pin. Or a lock-pick.

Suspicious of everyone and everything. Make remarks such as ‘Oh really?’ and ‘Feel free to be open and honest with me, I will discover the truth in the end.’

Be liable to take all alibis with a pinch of salt. Or snuff.

Able to sniff out spurious motives and supply educated guesswork.

Must possess own monocle or pince-nez or (misplaced) reading glasses (on colour-coded ribbons or fine cord – not too long though, you don’t want someone to strangle you with said reading  glasses cord, do you?).

Should be able to demonstrate a long-established habit of putting your fingertips together in a thoughtful manner before speaking.

You must have a luxurious moustache which you continually fondle or trim or dye a suspiciously dark colour. This role is open to all genders in our commitment to non-discrimination.

Or, failing the moustache, you may have a knitting fetish, and take knitting everywhere with you so that you are ready at a moment’s notice to disarm suspects with your apparent inoffensiveness and the sense of calm rationality that you radiate.

Must be able to recall a long series of villagey anecdotes you can crowbar into any conversation.

Must know the difference between a colonel and a major. Must equally be conversant with the differences between life-peers and the other sort, whatever they are. And of course, ministers of religion and local politicians. Must know how to address a Dowager without causing universal embarrassment at the knitting circle or Ladies’ Bright Hour.

Must be able to shake your head sorrowfully from time to time and say, ‘The world is a very wicked place’ or make some quote about the universal fallibility of mankind.

Additional desirable qualifications:

Knowledge of Shakespeare, Milton and the Bible useful. Possibly also Tennyson. (but we at LaughingAtLife.org do not insist on Tennyson.)

Must not be liable to scream or faint when confronted with a gory scene. Must know exactly where to place fingers on the neck to discover the non-existent pulse of a victim.

Encyclopaedic knowledge of deadly fungi and herbs could come in handy. Ditto household chemicals. Or medicines.

Must be able to dip fingertip in any powdery drug and taste it without dying, and also must be able to identify said drug.

Salary:

There is no salary, just the reward of knowing you did your best, and served your country. Or, failing that, completed at least one matinee jacket for the new baby of a friend of a friend of a friend.

Perks:

Sadly, neither are there any perks. There is no holiday allowance, as every time you go on holiday, someone will do something stupid and you will find yourself ‘embroiled’ in a new murder case. Even if you have a staycation, the grumpy colonel in the Old Manor House will upset someone who will then disguise themselves as a vicar and whack the colonel over the head 47 times with a fire-iron. You will of course realise that this was almost inevitable given the colonel’s generally offensive manner, and also it will be just what happened with Mrs Castle’s little boy in Northampton when he skived off school that day in 1948.

There is no sick pay, apart from the satisfaction that your last days will be repackaged and sold as Mr X’s or Ms Y’s Final Cases with a picture of the actor who plays your role on the front cover.

How to Apply:

Seriously?

***

New Shoots: a quite long short story

June 1889

In the little garden behind his father’s cottage, the spiraea shoots had rooted. Walter could see the little green buds, emerging here and there up the length of the canes that stood in a row before him like soldiers on parade. In some cases, the buds were a little larger than the rest, and were just beginning to unfurl. Walter turned to survey the bench with its dozens of pots of soil and the new life contained within them. Strawberry plantlets growing stronger day by day; pansy, geranium and snapdragon seedlings showing their first ‘true’ leaves, dahlia shoots just beginning to push their tips above the surface of the soil, and beside the bench, in the border, the tall sweet peas had already reached the first wire.

He smiled and felt as though a weight had lifted from his shoulders. These small beginnings would change his life. He would be his own man someday, with his own thriving business, no longer at the beck and call of His Lordship. He could ask Hetty Miller to be his wife. They could be married by Christmas.

It was as if his every dream was on the point of coming true.

September 1896

Walter Jenkins stood in the dock of the court. He gave the clerk his name, date of birth and his abode. His voice quavered a little and he cleared his throat to continue. He had never been in a court before. He’d never been accused of anything before.

The clerk of the court told him to remain standing as everyone else took their seats. He felt clumsy, naked, as all eyes turned on him. His cheeks burned with shame as the clerk read out the charge.

“The plaintiff, His Lordship the Lord Branchley, accuses you of building an independent and thriving concern as a market gardener upon the theft of plants from His Lordship’s grounds, where you worked as an under-gardener until five years ago when you began working on your own account. How do you plead?”

Walter licked his lips. He fidgeted with his jacket hem as he stammered his response. Then he had to repeat himself in order that everyone could hear him.

“Not—not guilty, Your Worship—um—your—um, sir.”

“Hmm.” The judge peered over his glasses at Walter and fixed him with a hard look. “So noted.” He made a mark on the paper in front of him with his fountain pen.

And so it began. Walter was permitted to take his seat and he sank down in relief, clutching at the wooden rail in front of him, his head swimming. He was a bag full of nerves.

At erudite length, the prosecution set forth their case: that the accused had stolen plants and seeds from the grounds of eminent philanthropist Lord Branchley, and had thus been able to set himself up as a market-gardener, with considerable success. Furthermore, it was stated that the accused had traded on knowledge he had gained during his employment by His Lordship and turned it to his advantage. There was more but these were the key points upon which their case hinged. His Lordship himself was in court and sat with his team of the finest attorneys at the front of the court. It was His Lordship’s desire to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

For three hours, the prosecution set forth their case. Walter couldn’t take in what was happening. The legal jargon washed over him, leaching away his confidence, his pride, everything he knew. All he could think was, would he hang/ or be transported? Or…? Punishments too harsh to be considered with a calm mind. All he wanted was to be home again with his family.

When at last the judge declared a two-hour break for lunch, Walter was already wondering if it was too late to change his plea. Perhaps that might bring him some leniency from the court.

As soon as he reached the cool solitude of his cell, relief filled him. Out in the world beyond the court, the attorneys were enjoying a lavish four-course lunch, served on fine china. For Walter, lunch was a pot of small beer and some bread and cheese. But Walter didn’t feel much like eating. He took a little of the cheese, and perhaps half of the beer. He thought about his case.

If he changed his plea to guilty, he wouldn’t just go to prison, he would lose everything—his business, his little home and most importantly, his family. Hetty had married him, against her parents’ advice, on the understanding that he was able to support a family. Walter felt completely without hope. Lord Branchley’s case was too strong against him, his attorneys were too learned and powerful.

But what would happen if that was no longer the case? Even if he didn’t go to prison, he would have to pay damages. What if he lost everything and had to return to his old room at Mrs Clark’s? Hetty would not go with him, he was certain of that, and why should she bring the two babes to live in such a crowd? No, she would go home to her mother, and if that happened, he would never see her again. With His Lordship bound to win the action, Walter knew his life was finished even if he, by some marvel, escaped a prison sentence. Walter cleared his throat a couple of times and dashed away a tear.

At that moment, his defence attorney arrived. Although lacking the flair and aura of success of his opponents, he was all Walter had been able to afford. In fact, Walter suspected he couldn’t really afford this man either, but the attorney had agreed to represent him, and Walter would simply pay what he could when he could manage it. The man had said it was an interesting case. Right now, he was beaming as if there wasn’t a worry in the world. Walter repressed an urge to punch him on the nose.

“Well, Jenkins, I feel it’s going very well. Very well indeed, young sir. We’ll soon have you out of here, don’t you worry about that.” He paused, clearly expecting Walter to thank him. His remarks met with silence and the attorney continued with a slight frown. “Now, now, young fellow, chin up. No cause to be down in the dumps, you know.”

“They seem to have all the right with them,” Walter said. “I thought there would be a jury?”

“No indeed, it isn’t that kind of trial. It will be His Honour who will make the judgment based on the evidence.”

“Just that one judge? We may as well give up now. I have no chance of success.”

“It may seem so now, but we will not give in! No, no, we must cling to our beliefs and hope for the best. Now, once we resume after luncheon, I will have the opportunity to put your side of the story, and then we shall see, eh? What do you think to that?”

Walter said, “I think I shall go to prison. Or be transported to the Antipodes. I shall never see my wife or my children again.”

The attorney frowned at him again. He slapped him on the shoulder.

“Come, come, man, there’s no need for such talk. We have an excellent case. We’ll have you back with your family in no time. Right! Now, I’m just off for a spot of lunch and I will see you in court later on.”

The cell seemed emptier after the attorney left, but all the same Walter was glad he was gone.

*

After lunch the prosecution began by calling the first of their two witnesses, Lord Branchley’s head gardener. He gave a sworn statement that he had seen the defendant remove plant material from the compost heap for unknown purposes on no fewer than three occasions. That seemed to satisfy the prosecutor, who resumed his seat with a grave look and pursed lips.

Walter’s defence attorney stood. “Have you ever seen the defendant removing plants or any other items from anywhere other than the compost heap?”

The head-gardener, an aged gentleman with weak eyes, stood turning his hat round and round in his hand and avoiding Walter’s eye, and finally he admitted he had not.

“And can you elucidate for the officers of this court, the function of this compost heap?”

“Er, beg pardon?” the head-gardener leaned forward, looking puzzled.

“Yes, of course,” said the defence attorney with a broad smile round the court. Leaning on the rail of the witness box, he turned back to the witness with a matey grin. “Er, just tell us, old chap, what’s it for?”

“The compost heap? Well, it’s a kind of rubbish tip for all the unwanted bits and bobs from the grounds and it rots down to make a rich soil you can put back on the garden. Very good stuff it makes. Very good for roses, fruit and vegetables of course, and…” he was counting them off on grimy fingers.

“That is sufficient information, thank you, Mr Duffy,” said the judge.

“Sir, sorry sir,” said Duffy and he seemed surprised by the laughter that filled the court. The judge rapped his gavel and the amusement was silenced.

“And was it His Lordship who asked you to create this compost heap?”

“Well no, not as such. His Lordship leaves the day-to-day running of the grounds to me, and I always has at least one compost heap on the go. You see, it makes very good…”

“Er, yes, quite so,” said the defence attorney hastily. “So the creation of a compost heap is part of your normal gardening practice, which experience has taught you is beneficial to your work?”

“Er, yes, it has, it is, I mean. Er—yes.”

Again a ripple of laughter was heard but quickly died away under the judge’s frowning looks. The defence attorney gathered his papers. He directed a nod to the judge.

“No more questions, your honour.”

The prosecution attorney immediately leapt to his feet and asked to put a further question. The judge inclined his head, and the prosecutor stepped forward.

“I believe it’s true to say the accused has learned all his skills from the employment His Lordship has so generously granted?”

The head-gardener struggled to fathom the sentence, his old forehead even more crinkled than usual with the effort. The prosecution attorney attempted to clarify his meaning in simpler terms.

“The job of under-gardener gives many opportunities to learn new skills and to gain experience, I imagine?”

The head-gardener wavered. “Well it does and it doesn’t.”

The prosecution attorney tried to hide his annoyance. His chance to prove the case based on this testimony would dwindle if he couldn’t get the old fool to say the right things.

“I see. But I imagine that when Mr Jenkins left His Lordship’s employ, he knew a lot more than he did when he first started?”

“It’s possible,” conceded the old man. “Young Wally had such an enquiring nature. He was always bringing in books and such and telling me all his high-falutin’ ideas about this and that. Never one to be content with doing things the way them’d always been done. Always wanting to try summat new. He fair drove me wild at times.”

Seeing that continuing with the witness was likely to actually harm his case, the prosecutor decided to take his seat with a crisp bow. “No further questions, your honour.”

The prosecution then called the second witness, Matthew Styles, under-gardener.

Matthew Styles took the stand, saying his oath loudly and looking around smiling. He appeared to be relishing the experience, and even waved to a young lady seated near the front. After posing a few general questions as to the age and occupation of the witness, the prosecution attorney then asked, “Have you ever seen anyone removing items from the compost heap or anywhere else?”

“Including me?” Styles asked, eagerly.

The prosecutor, a little surprised, nodded. “Er, yes, Mr Styles, including yourself.”

“We all ‘ave.”

“All?”

“Oh yes, indeed. And even His Lordship’s butler, he’s very fond of sweet peas, you know, so even he, when they’re there, he comes down and cops ‘em off Mr Duffy. Then there’s cook, she likes a bit of lavender or rosemary…”

“Thank you, Mr Styles, no further questions.” The prosecutor withdrew, frowning. The defence attorney leapt to his feet.

“Excuse me, Mr Styles. Am I correct in thinking that other servants than those who work in the gardens also avail themselves…?”

“Oh yes. The butler, Mr Stephens the butler, he likes his sweet peas, so at the end of the season, when they is dug out from the side border and chucked on the heap, he comes down for the pods to get the seeds. Then he can grow sweet peas in his own garden. Won a prize, he did, last year at the village show. I think the first prize was a guinea, and if I remember aright, the second prize was a leg of mutton. Very good he is with sweet peas, Mr Stephens. And then there’s Mavis. She works in the kitchen. She takes the flowers from the summer pruning for her mother’s grave. They’re not actually dead. The flowers I mean,” Styles explained to the tittering audience, provoking a further outburst as he added, “Her mother’s dead right enough, God rest her, but the flowers is just a bit past their best, though still quite nice looking, rather like Mavis herself.”

The judge banged his gavel six times and stunned everyone to silence. “I think we’ve heard enough to consider the question answered.”

The defence attorney inclined himself in a courtly bow. “As you wish, your honour.” He turned back to the witness. “And so, it seems acceptable and indeed commonplace for employees to remove items from the compost heap, as it is clear that anything placed thereupon is unwanted, that is the case, is it not?”

“It is.” Styles agreed. The defence attorney resumed his seat. The prosecution attorney stood and said,

“It appears as though there is wholesale theft going on within His Lordship’s premises. It almost sounds as though every servant is cheating His Lordship. Disgraceful.” He bowed to the bench. “No further questions for this witness, your honour.”

Styles was dismissed. The prosecution rested, his expression one of dissatisfaction. The defence attorney called the accused to the stand. Walter Jenkins took his oath on the Bible, his voice low.

“Mr Jenkins, how long had you been employed by His Lordship as an undergardener before you left to pursue your own business?”

“A little over six months, sir. I think it was about eight months altogether.”

“Really?” the defence attorney infused his voice with surprise. “From the testimony we have heard today, I had thought it had been a much longer period than that.”

“Oh no sir. I worked for my father from the age of fourteen until he passed away when I was twenty-five.”

“And then you went to work for Lord Branchley?”

“Yes sir.”

“What line of work was your father in?”

“He was a market-gardener, sir.”

“Indeed. How interesting. But one imagines that you had far greater opportunity to learn your trade in your employment at Lord Branchley’s?”

“I learned a great deal about digging, sir. And about cutting grass. Those were my main duties as an under-gardener.”

“I see. And I have no doubt these skills were useful to you when you set up your own market garden?”

The judge silenced the few sniggers around the courtroom with a single look.

Walter Jenkins hesitated then said, “Well sir, I don’t cut grass in my market garden, seeing as I don’t have a lot of room for grass. But it’s true I do occasionally dig.”

“Thank you, Mr Jenkins. And after your father passed away, what was the reason you did not continue in your father’s market garden but instead came to take a position with Lord Branchley?”

Walter bowed his head. Those in the court could see him biting his lip.

The judge spoke. “Mr Jenkins, I must urge you to answer the question.”

Walter’s head came up. “Yes sir, Your—um. It was just—I hadn’t wanted to say, but it was because of the business being sold to pay off my brother’s debts. There was no money left and so I was forced to find myself a position with the old business gone.”

“Thank you, Mr Jenkins, I do appreciate that this is not easy for you. And is your brother still in debt?”

“No sir.” Walter said. He looked down at the floor. Only the few people at the front of the court heard him as he said, barely above a whisper, “My brother was hanged last year on account of killing a man in a brawl.”

The judge tsked and shook his head. He scratched another note on his paper. Walter felt a wave of despair wash over him but on glancing up, met what appeared to be sympathy in the judge’s eyes.

The defence attorney continued. “I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. We will turn away from all that. Perhaps I could ask you to explain just how you came to provide yourself with the means to set up your business?”

This was easier ground for Walter after the previous question. He relaxed a little and his voice was clear.

“Well sir, I took a few things from the compost heap, as you know. There was a few canes from His Lordship’s spiraea in the shrubbery. It’s a good big patch of it at the back, and you has to prune it back hard every year. I was in charge of the shrubbery as Mr Duffy didn’t care for shrubs. Now, my father used to grow spiraea and the trick is to cut it right down after flowering, it makes it come back all the stronger in the next year, and it makes a nice rosy-coloured background to the other plants. The cuttings, like long canes they are, they root really easy. So I took a dozen of them and I rooted them. When His Lordship was in the grounds, sir, taking a look around with Mr Duffy, I approached him and said to him, would he like to have more of the spiraea in the shrubbery as it was dead easy to root and it would make a nice display of pinky-red flowers when it came out, and I knew as Her Ladyship was much taken with the colour.”

“And what did Lord Branchley say?”

“He said, begging your pardon for the cursing, sir, he said, ‘Who is this damned oik, Duffy?’ And Mr Duffy, he looked daggers at me and said to His Lordship as I was one of the under-gardeners. ‘Not any more’, said His Lordship, ‘give him a week’s notice and get rid of the upstart. I’ll not be addressed so rudely in my own gardens’. ”

“He sacked you?”

“He sacked me, sir, yes, there and then.”

“Then what happened?”

“Then His Lordship, he turned to Mr Duffy, and asked him what I was on about. So Mr Duffy showed him the spiraea and said as I was suggesting having more of them.”

“And did His Lordship comment at all on this?”

“He said, ‘I hate the bloody things,’ begging your pardon Your Worship, but that is the very words what His Lordship used. Then he says, ‘Rip them all out. Can’t stand them. Get rid of them all.’ That’s what he said, sir.”

“So now, you found yourself out of work and you had the spiraea canes. What happened next?”

“Well sir, I had me week’s notice to work. And there was a lot of nice bits on the compost heap. Strawberry creepers, seeds, cuttings, dahlia tubers from where we’d been dividing the clumps due to them growing out onto the south lawn. I came away with no reference but with a tidy pile of little plants and cuttings and seeds which I put into a sack what I brought from home. And just then, I was walking out with Hetty Miller, as was a maid from the Dower House. But I couldn’t marry as I didn’t have no job. But Hetty says to me, you can sell them when they’re rooted up. She said I could earn enough to rent a nice little cottage, that way I could start my own market garden up gradual-like. So that’s what I done. And then me and Hetty got married, and now there’s the two babes.” At this point Walter turned to the judge, “Sir, begging your pardon, but if I gets transported or goes to prison I will never see Hetty nor my children again as her mother took against me on account of me being sacked. My Hetty means everything to me, sir. If I’d have known how His Lordship felt, I’d have willingly paid for the stuff I took, but I thought it would be all right because all of us was doing it and in any case His Lordship said to get rid of them.”

There was a half-hearted protest from the prosecution, but the judge waved it away with a weary hand.

“Mr Jenkins, what would you say the original items you took were worth? If one had to purchase them from a market garden such as yours, for example.”

“You don’t buy things like that, sir, Your Worshipfulness, they are just…”

“Just rubbish to be thrown away on a compost heap? I see. Very well, thank you, you may stand down.”

The judge made some more notes. He announced a recess of one hour and the court was cleared.

*

An hour later, in his cell, Walter was trembling from head to foot. He could hear the warder approaching, the keys jangling on his belt. The door opened, and the warder gestured to Walter. “C’mon then, lad, let’s be having you.”

Walter stumbled along the chilly corridor and soon was back in the dock, clutching the rail for support.

Everyone rose to their feet as the judge entered. He strode to his bench, his lips pressed tightly together, his expression grim. Walter felt ill; he began to pray silently and fervently in a way he had not prayed since Sunday school. Up in the balcony, Hetty’s face was a white anxious oval, her gloved hand pressed to her mouth, her little hat hiding her lovely curls. The judge took his seat, then everyone else sat. The judge arranged his papers into a neat stack before him and he took up his gavel. He addressed the court, his firm voice resonating around the room.

“I have made my decision. The defendant will rise.”

Walter rose, trembling, to hear the words that would decide his future. He hoped he wouldn’t be sick or faint away when the sentence was pronounced.

“Having weighed the evidence in this case and after consideration of all the facts, I find in favour of the plaintiff.” The Judge banged his gavel and a murmur arose all around him.

“Jolly good show!” Lord Branchley immediately leapt to his feet, his face wreathed in smiles as he received the congratulations of his attorneys and they shook hands.

In the dock, Walter was barely able to take in what had been said. He heard a wail from behind him and turned to see Hetty on her feet, eyes wide with shock. The judge was compelled to pound his gavel on the bench a number of times before order was restored. Silence fell once more. The judge continued:

“I order that the defendant shall pay damages in the amount of one penny for the—er—spiraea canes—and the same amount for the strawberry plantlets. Also, I award a farthing for the costs of the plaintiff.”

For a moment Walter couldn’t understand what was happening. The prosecution attorney, his assistants and his client Lord Branchley all halted in their premature celebrations, mouths gaping open. Then, outraged, they began to demand that His Honour should review the evidence. The defence attorney charged across the courtroom and pumped Walter’s arm up and down.

“A triumph, my boy, a triumph!”

The judge, ignoring the commotion, addressed Walter directly. “Let the record show that the court commends you, Mr Jenkins, for your ingenuity, hard work and your skilful grasp of your chosen trade. The court commiserates with you over the difficulties that have beset you in the past and hopes that your market garden will continue to thrive. And if you will kindly leave your particulars with my clerk, I believe my good lady will be interested to know what you have in the line of dahlias, as she is contemplating some improvements to our own grounds at home. Court is adjourned.”

The judge stood and left the court, his gown billowing.

Lord Branchley, red-faced with fury, was pushing aside his attorneys to leave the court, uttering oaths as he went.

As the warder stepped forward to release Walter and remove his handcuffs, Walter turned to look across the courtroom. Hetty was making her way towards him, dashing away tears and smiling.

“We won!” he said. He still couldn’t believe it. She laughed as he swept her into his arms.

“Silly! Of course we did!”

“You will come home again now, won’t you? You and the kids?”

“Yes, Walter Jenkins, we will come home. I’ll never doubt you again, I swear.”

 

The End

***

All rights reserved. Copyright 2018 © Caron Allan

Babysitting Grandpa: a short story

This week I thought I’d publish a short story from a few years ago. I hope you like it.

The game was over. Marc watched as Lou put the old lead soldiers back in the box, each one slotting neatly into a cushioned slot, neat as a row of—well, soldiers on parade, duh! Even in the box they seemed to stand to attention.

After three hours, it was finally over. The game had been played in earnest. But for Marc, his unwelcome victory brought no ceasefire, no end to hostilities. It was merely the provocation Lou had needed to shout “Best of Three!” and now Marc was doomed to relive the torment at least once more. Possibly twice, if the unthinkable happened and he was stupid enough to lose the next game. A one-all draw was unthinkable.

Lou’s joy was evident in the gleeful chuckling as he took each soldier from the field of battle and carefully put it away into its own little green felt lined slot. His false teeth flopped about inside his slack jaws. Marc’s stomach lurched at the sight. Old people were so creepy.

His heart seemed to have fallen to his boots. Just when there was a chance of him living some kind of normal life, of going out and seeing something of this town on a Saturday night like other teenagers, hoping against hope to actually live, his soul was snatched away to babysit his weird grandpa because his mum had to work and there was no one else to watch the old bloke. Lou’s slippered feet slapped the lino as he did his victory dance. Just his luck if the old git fell and broke a hip and Marc had to spend all night in the hospital.

“You’re such a loser.” Marc said.

Lou just laughed. “Let’s get some dinner, Son. Then it’s Round Two!”

Marc put on his coat and went to the chip shop. His friends were just coming out as he went in.

“You coming down town later?” one of them called.

“No, I’ve got to stay in. Mum’s on a late shift so I’ve got to look after my grandpa.”

They nudged each other and laughed. “What a loser!” One of them said and they all laughed again. Marc sighed and turned for home.

Grandpa was waiting for him, plates out, ketchup, salt and vinegar on the table. “Thanks, Son,” he said. “Not every kid your age would stay in on a Saturday night and keep his old grandpa company. I know it’s not cool, man.’

Marc rolled his eyes. If only grandpa didn’t keep trying to use modern slang, life would be easier.

“It’s all right,” Marc told him. He didn’t mind all that much, he realised. It was cold out. And his friends were all freaks and idiots anyway. He ate his chips. “How old are you, Grandpa?”

“96. Why?”

Marc shrugged. “Just wondered. Why do you like playing soldiers so much?”

“Ah well, you see, my dad, he was there.”

“There?”

“Yes, there. When I was old enough to be aware of him, he seemed like a frail sickly bloke, but it was the war made him like that. When he died, I found all his medals and his photos with his comrades and that. I was surprised to see how young he looked, quite good-looking really, not that I take after him. And he looked—I don’t know, strong, I suppose. Healthy. He was laughing at the camera, just a normal young bloke. And in the wedding photo of him and me mum, well, they both looked so—alive, so happy. It made me wonder. So I spent all my life finding out about the first world war, what happened and why. I started to see him as the hero he really was. He stopped being some useless old bloke.”

Marc thought for a moment. He balled up his chip wrapper. “You were in the war too, weren’t you?”

“Yes, Son. I was in the war. The second world war. The one they said could never happen.”

“Tell me about it,” Marc said. ‘Then maybe we could have another game.’

***

 

So what has Agatha Christie done for us?

Agatha Christie is arguably one of the most well-loved authors of all time. And her books are still being published in new formats, turned into plays and TV series and mini-series, and of course films on the big screen, a hundred years after she first began her writing career. Her books regularly top the online bestseller lists and there have been spin-offs, recreations and fan fiction. You can even buy her ‘secret notebooks’, biographies and merchandise.

Between 1920 and 1973-ish she wrote 66 detective novels under her (first) married name, Agatha Christie, 6 non-detective novels as Mary Westmacott, and 14 short story collections. In addition a number of her works have been adapted for the stage, or were written as plays that have now been novelised.

But far from setting out to be a great author, she only started writing at all due to a bet with her sister, and a certain amount of boredom. Yet she has created some of the best and worst (sorry, but Parker Pyne and Mr Quin????) detectives in the genre, and some of the most devious and controversial plots to ever trick, misdirect and enthrall the reading public. If we sometimes today find her plots predictable or jaded, that is because we can easily forget that she and a handful of other trailblazers have, through their work, made us as readers more sophisticated and at the same time, have aroused expectations to fit the genre. If we can place the books in their original era, then they become even more fresh, more unusual and very, very clever.

So if you’ve been living on the moon, and haven’t read anything by Christie before, or if you’ve only lately come to detective fiction via some other nefarious genre, what are the five books you should read by Agatha Christie?

Well obviously you’ve got to read the first Poirot book, not that sequence is an issue with Christie as it is with many authors. But it’s always interesting to a) read an author’s first book, and b) read the first book to feature a well-known detective. So you absolutely must begin with The Mysterious Affair At Styles, published in 1920 and featuring Hercule Poirot. I would say he is the world’s foremost fictional detective (though fans of Sherlock Holmes would no doubt disagree). This is a phenomenal debut, and an intriguing mystery.

Christie famously disliked Poirot, and her dislike is clear in the rather comical, uncharitable description of him as he makes his first appearance in chapter two, meeting by accident the narrator of the story, his famous side-kick Hastings. Right from the outset, we note that Hastings always treats Poirot with a mixture of pity and affection. We are told: Poirot was an extraordinary-looking little man. He was hardly more than five feet four inches, but carried himself with great dignity. His head was exactly the shape of an egg, and he always perched it a little on one side. His moustache was very stiff and military. We are also told of his love of neatness bordering on obsession and, again as always, Hastings is at pains to point out that Poirot’s glories are behind him and he is past his prime. In fact, he’s past his prime for the next, what, thirty, forty years?

So Poirot is not in any shape or form the figure of a hero – he’s short, stout, he limps, he’s fussy and overly particular, and he’s older in years than a classic swash-buckling, overcoming-all-obstacles big-screen hero of that era or even our own. And he has personality flaws in the form of vanity and self-importance, and often, a deep lack of self-belief that I think most of us could identify with today.

But his strengths – oh they are good – he is an acute observer of humanity, he notices EVERYTHING, he understands human psychology, and his success lies in his deep thought processes and his use of logic to work out the details of a crime, that and a reliance on the everyday bigotry that overlooks the intelligence or usefulness of a foreigner on the part of many he comes into contact with.

So that’s Styles.

You also HAVE to read two other classic Poirot’s: Death on the Nile and Murder on the Orient Express. These have become such genre classics almost independent of their creator, and the TV series and various film versions have definitely assisted with that. These books have masterful plots featuring an ensemble cast, and represent neat variations on the country house theme by being a ship and a train. The exotic locations just add to the pleasure.

Miss Marple is one of Christie’s other detectives, and is almost as well known and beloved as Poirot. She is a single old lady who knits and gossips. She solves mysteries by the simple expedient of listening, asking questions and again, like Poirot, knowing a great deal about human behaviour. This is largely the result of her life experience, and the fact that she lives in a small community where everyone knows everyone. Like Poirot, she is often overlooked as a threat to the plans of baddies and evildoers. The best Marple book to start with, in my opinion, is again the book that introduces us to the character, a volume of short stories first published in 1933, The Thirteen Problems (or in the US this is called The Tuesday Club Murders). In this book, each of a group of friends tells of an unsolved murder they know about, and various solutions are put forward by the rest of the group, until in the end, Miss Marple, between counting stitches or casting on a new ball of wool, puts forward the truth, which is then acted upon and checked by someone who is a high-up legal chap. By the end of the book, the others now turn immediately to Miss Marple, knowing she will tell them the only true solution.

Two more famous Marple books, which are in a way companion pieces, are A Caribbean Mystery and Nemesis and are also excellent, showing her personality in her strength of purpose and determination to see justice done.

Okay, I know I said five books, and there they are (not really five but it’s not easy to choose between some of them…). And I can’t resist adding a bonus one: the extraordinary Death Comes As The End. It was published in 1945, and is a traditional-style murder mystery, but it is set in ancient Egypt, and the background was gleaned by Christie from her archaeological exploits with husband number two, Sir Max Mallowan. It’s a great story, full of fascinating detail, and it inspired me as a teenager to learn more about history of all eras.

And of course, you’ve got to read The Murder at the Vicarage, Lord Edgware Dies, my personal favourite, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, and my ‘other’ personal favourite, Evil Under the Sun.

I hope that, having read all the above books, you might feel an impulse to go back and read the rest of her works. They are well worth the effort, and I am sure you will agree, not only are they entertaining and enjoyable, you will also feel that you have come to know the woman behind not just these works but the modern cosy mystery genre as a whole. Without Agatha Christie, I believe there would be no Midsomer Murders, no Vera, Shetland, no Line of Duty,  or Inspector Morse.

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